I must say that I am a bit afraid of writing this post. Will I face people´s anger or disdain? Will people leave me, like so many others have, when they know about my mental health? Will you think I am “just crazy”? Maybe. However, some of the best people in the world have had mental health issues and that did not stop them. And it will not stop me.
Though sometimes it feels like it does. For those who don´t know, I have been suffering from severe panic attacks, anxiety and depression for five years now (all professionally diagnosed, even if I have had symptoms of depression and anxiety before); plus, I show a lot of traits of, and most likely also have, borderline personality disorder. Accepting and living my life with these conditions has not been easy. Neither for me nor my family or those around me. I stopped being able to travel by myself, or sleeping in my own room, almost every day I feel I can´t breathe or I am going to die and, during my worst moments, I get so panicky that I can´t make sense of things, I scream until I hurt my vocal cords, hurt myself by hitting myself or pulling my skin or hair, and I try to lock myself up in places, among other things. And I cry. I cry until I choke. Because of my borderline traits, I feel like no one likes me, everyone will leave, my emotions are always highwire and I feel abandonment more than anyone else. And those are the lesser things I can explain.
Having a mental disorder is not fun, is it?
I feel ashamed of it. I am sorry for it. But, it is not my fault. No one who has a mental disorder is to blame for what they suffer from. But most of us feel guilty at some point. Why? Sometimes because society and people make us feel like we “do it on purpose” or we are “faking” it. Most people look at us and do not see our symptoms so they think there is nothing wrong with us and we are not worthy of sympathy. Yes, we don´t have a visible disability, but we have it nonetheless. It is in our heads and it affects us even in our bodies. It can make us sick. Because of my panic attacks, I chronically suffer from pains all over my chest, arms, and neck that keep me up crying for hours.
However, only those who live with me 24/7 see those things. That said, I have lost friends and loved ones due to my disorders, both because I have pushed them away and also because people tend not to understand. They don´t understand that it takes time (a lot of it) to get better, they don´t get that we can be sad and not ok almost every single day, they don´t understand that we DO try and sometimes, they just simply don´t understand. Most of them do not want to be near people with mental health conditions. I get it; it is hard. I see it every day with my family. Others just don´t wanna bother understanding.
I beg you…please try to understand.
We are not crazy. We are hurt. But we are not bad.
We still do things. We still have dreams. We still want a happy life and a happy ending. We are interesting people trying our best. We have families. We have feelings just like any of you.
Each day of our lives is a fight for us. We don´t ask for your pity but I am asking for your understanding and for you to listen to us. Because some of us are not here anymore because no one bothered to listen, to treat us as humans or be our friend. And please understand that if we are afraid or difficult. A lot of us have been hurt, or have had horrible experiences. I´ve had an abusive relationship that left me with no self-esteem, left me with no friends, and ruined my mental health even more. Do I talk about it? No. No one wants to listen or believe it. I think partly the reason why I started this blog and my Instagram page is to be able to be heard…but mostly to make friends, and have a new life. But it is still not easy, and I am scared about reaching out.
So this month, as it should be every single month, please think a bit about those who apart from having issues like any other person (because life is tough on everybody), have a hard time inside their heads. Think of those who sometimes cannot fight for themselves. Think about you, your friends, family…because a mental disorder can happen to anyone.
Think about Mental Health.
“You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged, oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
The darkness inside you
Can make you feel so smallShow me a smile then
Don’t be unhappy
Can’t remember when
I last saw you laughing
This world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
Just, call me up
‘Cause I will always be thereAnd I see your true colors
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you”